"It's as good as what I've seen us play"

Another gem from linguist Jamie Redknapp, who seems to be in Richard Keys’ bad books at the moment...

As regular readers will know, we revel in a good pundit bashing here at CollinsBeans. And SkySport’s Jamie Redknapp is always an enjoyable (and deserving) target for abuse.

On this occasion, we’ll let the excellent Martin Kelner do the talking – the below article is a cracking read from his Monday column. Kelner is one of our favourite journalists, and you can find a link to his work on the right-hand side of the page.

Kelner gives Richard Keys a bit of stick in this article too, and a CollinsBeans source recently suggested that the hirsute-palmed presenter is perhaps not the most pleasant of chaps. The source revealed that Keys recently “refused to get out of bed” for a game he deemed beneath him. Perhaps all is not as well as it may seem in the SkySports studio…

Jamie Redknapp and Fabio Capello find English to be a grey area

Richard Keys barked up the wrong tree about the England manager and his studio guest done fantastic to keep his cool. If Fabio Capello wishes to advance his studies in the language of Shakespeare, he might want to avoid Redknappisms.

Ryan Giggs deserves our admiration for having played through all 18 seasons of the Premier League. However, there is another performer who has been with us since the breakaway league started in 1992, but who never quite gets similar respect. Step forward Richard Keys, whom we applaud for, if nothing else, all those hundreds of grey suits he has worn on our behalf as we and football have grown old together.

Who knew there were so many different shades of grey? Shades the Dulux colour-chart guy can only dream of. Maybe the reason the costs of our subscriptions to Sky Sports have spiralled is to finance the development of very slightly different shades, keeping Keys smartly togged through nearly two decades of Super Sundays, Grand Slam Sundays and Judgment Days.

The colour technologist probably works on Jamie Redknapp's gear too, ensuring no clash between presenter and pundit. For England's qualifier last week, while Redknapp wore the shade of pale grey known as "face after letter arrives from Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs containing unexpectedly large demand for back taxes", our genial host was in the slightly darker tones of "accountant at firm's annual dinner dance".

Not that our host was as genial as usual. Maybe the years of suits and Super Sundays have got to him. He had got it into his head that the big story about England was that Fabio Capello's poor grasp of English hampered communication with his players, and that the team needed an English manager. It seemed a strange line to take on the back of a 4-0 winning start to the qualifying campaign, and I got the impression Redknapp felt so too.

Admittedly, Keys had to fill the unforgiving minutes before kick-off, but still he seemed to spend more time than was necessary barking loudly and aggressively up the wrong tree – what Sky viewers know as "doing a Kay Burley". He quizzed Redknapp on Capello's lack of fluency in English.

"He's been here long enough," Keys snapped. "Why isn't his English better?" Now, though Redknapp might be expert in a number of areas – like hair gel and being injured – I feel safe in saying the English language is not his specialist subject. Screen Break has commented recently on his father's adverbophobia, which it seems might be an inherited condition: "It doesn't matter if he [Capello] speaks English good or bad," asserted Redknapp minor. In fairness, he done fantastic in responding to Keys' continuing cross examination: "It's a small part of his job," Redknapp said. "Ah, a small part or a big part?" yapped back Keys. "It's a part," replied an increasingly tetchy Redknapp.

Should Capello wish to take his studies in the language of Shakespeare to a more advanced level, he might want to avoid some of the more blatant Redknappisms that followed, notably "They [Switzerland] can't be as bad as what they've been in the first half" and "It's as good as what I've seen us play". My bet, though, is that Capello is unlikely to turn up in a contemporary, real-life Mind Your Language. "When I won a lot of games, no problem about my communication," he observed, tartly.

What might scupper the manager, if the Redknapp-Keys dialogue is to be believed, is confusion about the number of – possibly cloned – Adam Johnsons and James Milners available for selection. "We have to give the James Milners of this world the opportunity to play regularly," said Redknapp. Keys, warming to the theme of multiple midfield personalities, wondered if "with the Adam Johnsons of this world staking a claim", some of the more established players might find themselves sidelined. To Redknapp's obvious irritation, Keys was still banging on about an English manager at the final whistle, suggesting at one point Glenn Hoddle, until his guest pointed out that Hoddle's turn had been and gone.

The sign-off was the closest thing I have seen to that Alan Partridge moment when he banters uncomfortably with his Radio Norwich colleague. While Keys chuckled, commenting, "Enjoyed it. It was a good joust," a resolutely unsmiling Redknapp just shook his head. There definitely seemed to be some tension between the Jamie Redknapps of this world and the Richard Keyses. Beautifully cut suits, though.

One final thing: West Ham fans no longer need to be told it is going to be "a long hard season/winter" (copyright Alan Hansen, and every other pundit working on British TV). We know.