The CollinsBeans Awards 2010 - The Tyldesleys

By now you’ve (hopefully) seen our domestic and European prizes. So for the final instalment of the inaugural CollinsBeans Awards, we’ve selected some of the more light hearted gongs. Sure football is a serious business, but it’s important to recognise the less critical areas too... Such as worst buy of the season. And crucially, the best television programme.

We’ve toiled for many a long hour over the name for this section of the ceremony, and will admit to some creative difficulties. For a temporary solution though, we’ve plumped for The Tyldesleys, in honour of the most irritating, infuriating and downright embarrassing television personality in the entire business.


Best TV Programme

If you read the tag line for this site then you’ll realise that we often aren’t that impressed with the so called ‘experts’ shoved down our throats or the various vehicles used to get them on TV. You’d think that making a half decent football programme wouldn’t be too difficult (bit of chat, few goals etc.) but it seems that many still struggle. It may not be original to say so, but the best one out there continues to be Sky Sports Soccer Saturday, not just a contender for best ‘football programme’ but best programme in general. Plenty has been written about anchor Jeff Stelling, so all we can add simply is the man is a genius; a brylcreamed, walking vidiprinter, always able to find the right tone to describe the fact your side has just let in a last minute equaliser to Grimsby.

The line up of pundits is pretty set now, and it’s hard to argue with the likes of Matt Le Tissier and Charlie Nicholas, especially in a world where the BBC likes to use Martin Keown and Gary Pallister. What’s more, any programme that gets Paul Merson on TV is alright in our book....what? You don’t like the man? Think he’s an idiot?! Well...NO! Go back, rewind and watch the tapes, he arguably gives you some of the best insight out there whilst also reminding of you of that drunk guy in the corner of the bar who’s just lost his life’s possessions on the fact that that Chesterfield vs. Crewe Alexandra didn’t come up in an accumulator. A ‘worldy’ of a TV show, continuing to set the standard and long may it continue. Who said watching four men shouting at some screens and showing you NONE of the action could be so entertaining? Well, no-one if it was the BBC’s ‘Score’ you were watching, but if it’s Soccer Saturday, you can guarantee that however bad your day might be going (as the fourth Scunthorpe goal nestles in the back of your teams net) Chris Kamara will always be along to brighten it up.

“It’s unbelievable Jeff!”

Indeed it is.

The CollinsBeans Award for Services to Football Broadcasting

Following on from ‘Best TV Programme’ you might think we’d be coming to ‘Worst TV Programme’, and perhaps you’d be right given the subject we’re just about to talk to about. However, calling it the worst football programme out there would be, to quote Ray Wilkins, a tad harsh. Especially given that it’s not produced by ITV Sport. Indeed, part of us thinks that the ‘Football League Show’ deserves a whole section to itself, for being the most oddly appealing programme out there.

As one half of the awards judging panel supports a non-Premiership side, we do applaud the BBC for putting the show out there – giving coverage to those teams ignored by the ‘Big 4 obsessed’ media is inherently a good thing. However it’s the execution we have to question, as we’ve never really been sure what audience they are really trying to appeal to. The fact it follows in the slip streams of MOTD at something like five minutes past the end of your life on a Saturday night/Sunday morning doesn’t help things, but then again, where else are you going to see highlights of your side’s 0-0 draw with Rochdale?

So is it a programme trying to appeal to the hardcore? Well, we hope not, given that any fan of a club in the Football League would balk at the attention, or rather lack thereof, to detail. We know football punditry is something of a lost art form, but really, if you’re tuning in to find out just why Sheffield Wednesday got relegated, then Steve Claridge’s monotone ramblings about the club "having injuries this season" doesn’t really cut it. Likewise, looking for in depth analysis on why an unheralded name has done well this season? Over to you Mr Claridge again “well, they like to play nice football, get it down, after all (insert name of any of the 92 grounds in the football league) is never an easy place to go”.

Things aren’t really helped by the supporting cast. The presenter Manish Bhasin was competent enough during his time on Football Focus (and how much of a better job does it look like he did given the performance of Dan ‘everyman’ Walker?) but talking about Swindon vs. Yeovil? Slightly out of his depth. Indeed he spends the whole time walking round the ‘fake, emergency military control centre’ set looking extremely nervous and uncomfortable, like someone’s just told him that if he doesn’t step up his game, Jake from CBBC will be in to swoop for his spot. His ‘glamorous’ assistant, Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes can perhaps best be summed up with the overuse of the following word - ‘footie’. We’re all for interactivity at CollinsBeans (a few more comments if you please...) but encouraging ‘TractorBoy@1987’ to get in contact about what they think Roy Keane should get for Christmas is not the sort of audience participation that needs to be indulged.

The format itself is an odd one. We appreciate, that given the fact that 46 games need to be covered, that time is at a premium, but why then is around 30 minutes of time allocated to a 1-1 draw between Preston North End and Nottingham Forest, where even the ball going out for a throw in on the halfway line which leads to no incident of any note?

There is one huge highlight to the show however, the outside broadcasts and the real star of the show; Mark ‘Clem’ Clemmit. If ever there was someone to be nominated as a true cult hero it’s our Clem. That distinctive grey jumper and shirt combo that accompanies every piece to camera (even when shorts are being worn on the bottom half), the cheeky grin, infectious enthusiasm, not to mention encyclopaedic knowledge of the burger van at Victoria Park is what you need to get you through at half 2 in the morning waiting up for the Burton Albion goals.

The programme is not without merit, there’s something there, the concept isn’t bad. It just needs a bit of work, after all we’re all about the positivity here at CollinsBeans. One thing that needs to go, however is the God awful opening titles and even worse title music. Altogether now: “Boom, boom, boom, boom, ratatatatatatata, Hooray!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV_Nfnf1P-Q

Best Pundit

It’s not always that easy to find a decent pundit (you may have noticed our raison d’etre on the right). In terms of print journalists, the usual suspects (again, look right) have been great to read – Martin Kelner, Tim Vickery, Henry Winter, Patrick Barclay, David Conn and Gabriele Marcotti.

Top broadcast pundits are a different matter. Andy Gray remains good value but occasionally rather blinkered, whilst Lee Dixon provides some decent insight on MOTD 2, although he’s no Gavin Peacock. This season’s award though is going to a punditry veteran; a safe paid of hands guaranteed to talk in threes. In a season where Sky have stubbornly maintained that the best people available to talk about European football are Jamie Redknapp and Graeme Souness, and ITV have unconditionally backed the mind-numbingly dull and oddly spiteful Gareth Southgate, good old Alan Hansen has been a dependable rock in a sea of crass hyperbole.

You know what you’re going to get with Hansen, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Alongside the frankly appalling Alan Shearer, he provides a very respectable blend of insight and humour. Hansen is a worthy winner for a season of consistency, composure and clarity (he’s got us in threes now…).

Worst Buy

“Mido!” we hear you cry.
“Santa Cruz or Lescott,” you demand.
“Jason Scotland!” say some.

All very good shouts, but the award really must go to the most patent candidate, to the transfer ridiculed up and down the country. Step forward Alberto Aquilani, or perhaps more pertinently Rafael Benitez, who forked out £20 million for the injured midfielder and then left him on the bench for all of Liverpool’s important games.

Aquilani may well prove to be a quality Premiership player – he certainly has some ability, but this season has been an epic catastrophe for the Italian. It didn’t look like a good transfer when it went through late last summer, and the initial hunches proved correct. A truly disastrous piece of business from Benitez, in a pretty disastrous season all round.

(Worst) Team of the Year

We all know that the PFA put together their congratulatory Team of the Season every Spring, and most others in the media follow suit with their own picks. And sure, we’ve selected some individual awards too.

But for this team, we’re choosing the worst players on show in the Premiership this time around:

GK Brian Jensen

'The Beast' started ok, and even persuaded Jamie Redknapp to declare him Denmark’s best goalkeeper despite admitting he hadn’t seen the competition. The honeymoon period soon disappeared though, and Jensen proved himself to be unreliable, easily flustered and prone to horrible errors. Lukas Fabianski was a close second.

RB Gary Neville

We’ll let Carlos Tavez sum this one up – “a boot licking moron”. Not much more to add really. Oh, except perhaps this excellent summary – “Neville looks like someone who won a competition to play for United”.

DC Clarke Carlisle

Carlisle must have set a new record for individual errors directly costing goals this season. Seems like a nice chap, but sadly isn’t very good at football.

DC Mikael Silvestre

It’s probably safe to say Silvestre’s best years are behind him – he makes Sol Campbell look fast. Wenger’s has made some great signings and some slightly more iffy ones (see Jeffers, Francis). Silvestre sadly doesn’t belong in the former category

LB Jonathon Spector

A one-man walking disaster, who just pips Paul McShane to the second full back position. We’re all looking forward to seeing more of the same in England’s first group game at the World Cup.

RM Jimmy Bullard

We’re not quite sure what Bullard is meant to be good at... Penalties? Oh, hang on, he missed Hull’s most important one of the season. Creating a great reputation for yourself through having ‘mad’ hair, a cheeky grin and offering up a few cheap gags despite being rubbish at football? Ah, that’s the one.

MC Andre Bikey

Whether at centre back or in a holding midfield role, Bikey has been consistently woeful. Strong maybe, but a poor touch and worrying lack of discipline and concentration for a defensive minded player has seen Bikey directly contribute to Burnley’s terrible season.

MC Jermaine Jenas

It’s easy to forget Jenas even exists such is his nominal impact this campaign. We’d say a season to forget, if there was anything to remember in the first place.

LM Stuart Downing

Regressed to such an extent that his understudy at Middlesbrough is now way ahead of him in the England pecking order. Sums it up really. Downing hasn’t done anything to justify the frightening £12 million that Aston Villa paid for him last summer.

ST Johan Elmander

Continues to prove Bolton pretty much wasted every single penny of the staggering £9 million they spent on the Swede two years ago. We can't actually think of a single positive attribute.

ST Dimitar Berbatov

Widely criticised for being lazy (and rightly so) Berbatov’s season went from bad to worse, ending with an inability to score from even 2 yards. For a man who supposedly swaggers, Berbatov finished the season with the most downbeat, shell-shocked and unconfident body language in the league.