End of term report - Everton

Long time CollinsBeans associate Mr. Luke Kelly takes you through 10 months of Fellaini nutmegs, Pienaar chips and having the best manager on Merseyside...

1. If you could sum up your clubs season in one word, what would it be?

Potential

2. Everyone knows exams are getting easier today (that’s a fact - I read it in the Daily Mail) but how would you grade your team’s performance in 2009/10? Please show your workings out (i.e. tell us why you’ve given them that grade!)

B-

On the surface, we've fallen behind the team vomiting money on their way up the table. City and Spurs have spent big and stumbled onwards, whilst that vile little goblin in Birmingham has nudged Villa along whilst throwing hilarious amounts of money at Stewart Downing. Despite this however, there's an optimism around Goodison that wasn't present even when we finished fourth (which was probably for the best looking back, but still). The team we have now is by a clear distance the best since the one that won the title in the 80s, and provided we can keep everyone together, next year we will win the league by a million points.

3. Happy with the teacher (gaffer)?

He's got red hair but I don't care. In terms of his net spend over the course of his seven years in charge, I defy any manager in the world to do a better job.


4. Who should go to the top of the class as your team’s star pupil(s)?

Johnny Heitinga's the player people always wanted Gravesen to be. A born leader, with the ability to back it up - a future club captain for sure. Rodwell is growing, ominously, game by game. The hyperbole surrounding him is ridiculous - see his punted abomination of a backpass against Befica for example - but there are more and more flashes of an awesome player coming through in his game. Fellaini meanwhile has convinced me to blindly trust Moyes' judgement from here on out; I never rated him, but I genuinely don't think Davey was exaggerating when he had him down as the best midfielder in the league at one point. The public humiliation of Bellamy will go down in history. Arteta and Pienaar looked world class, Bilyaletnidov has potential, and Osman's performance against United was the best I've seen him play.

5. And who should sit themselves in the corner as the school dunce(s)?

Saha looked like a world beater at the start of the season, then strolled about in a serene state of naked indifference just when we started playing football. Yakubu looked all of his 47 years when coming back from injury but did at least warm up towards the end of the season. Distin was unconvincing, whilst Senderos barely made an impact.


6. What are the moments this season that made you want to break out in a ‘Mourinhoesque’ charge across a pitch?

Fellaini's aforementioned waltz around poor old Craig, Rodwell's bullet through the heart of a flailing, dying Man Utd who spent the entire season papering over gaping cracks in a painfully mediocre team.

7. And what are the moments that made you want to grab a dumbbell and shout “die! die! die!”

Losing twice to the worst Liverpool team in living memory.

8. If your club could make one acquisition this summer, who would it be?

Landon Donovan. He'd love to be here, we'd love to have him here, and he made as big an impact as you could have hoped for.

9. This is not all about you! There are 91 other football league teams out there, who are the best and worst players your clubs come up against?

Best: Nobody really stands out. Arsenal belittled us on the opening day, but that was down to our woefulness as much as anything.

Worst: Controversial, but Gareth Bale was absolutely dominated by a teenager from Sligo Rovers both going forward and defending in the game at Goodison. At fault for everything, and tackled into the 8th row in an absolute cruncher. He may well be up to the hype, but he was made to look ordinary that day.


10. Finally, who were the best and worst opposition fans at your place this year?

Best: BATE Borisov's Barmy Baltics

Worst: 'appy 'arry's wilfully self-indulgent pederasts