CollinsBeans Awards 2011

It’s awards time on CollinsBeans.

Over the next couple of weeks we’ll be documenting the winners of the CollinsBeans Awards 2011 – one of the most sought-after football decorations around…

And to get proceeding underway, we give you our ‘Worst Team of the Season 2010/11’. Rather than start with the winners and success stories of the last 10 months, we’re kicking off by setting the bar low. Very, very low when it comes to a certain Gary Neville…

Worst Team of the Season: 2010/11

GK: Scott Carson

Carson again proved this season that despite the labels of “young”, “English” and “promising”, he’s actually a completely hopeless goalkeeper. The only time Carson stopped making errors was when he got dropped for a while. Then he came back in, produced more horrific goalkeeper, shouted at his defenders and handed out goals for free. Still, a promising, young English goalkeeper of course…

RB: Gary Neville

Technically only played a few games, but was so utterly useless in those that he did enough to get a place in this side. A default 2010/11 performance for G.Neville was: pick up an early booking for a terrible challenge, give away a blatant penalty that’s not given, escape a second yellow for what would normally be a straight red card offence, and then be hauled off at half time before further damage could be done. And now we all get to look forward to Gary’s punditry alongside Jamie Redknapp on Sky.

CB: Sebastien Squillaci

Arsene Wenger is no doubt a great manager, capable of brilliance in the transfer market. But he also does a line in woeful centre backs and Squillaci is the latest addition. Even before he played a game, was anyone really convinced Squillaci would be the key to shoring up Arsenal’s porous defence? We know he was purchased as a squad man, but essentially every time Squillaci played, Arsenal seemed to concede a comedy goal. The journeyman centre back categorically proved this season that he’s not the answer. He makes Mikael Silvestre look like Franco Baresi.

CB: Ian Evatt

Sorry, we know it’s harsh, but Evatt proved throughout the campaign that he isn’t really Premier League standard. The end of season game at Manchester United summed it up – completely at fault for the first goal, a dreadful own goal for the third and largely responsible for cancelling out all the good work done at the other end. Seems like a decent enough sort of chap, but just a little bit out of his depth.

LB: Winston Reid

We actually have no idea if Winston Reid is a left back mainly because we don’t really have any idea of what attributes he possesses. We especially have no idea why West Ham decided that he was worth several million pounds. Given the fact he only played seven times I don’t think they really knew either. It feels a tad harsh (TM R. Wilkins) to single him out when West Ham had a whole host of underachieving, alleged ‘England international’ players to blame for their demise (here’s looking at you Messrs Green and Upson) but Reid’s signing sadly sums up a hopeless transfer policy at Upton Park that cost them big this season. Note: Paul Konchesky was a potential for this role but we didn’t want any trouble from his Mum.

RM: Joe Cole

The term “flop” is very apt for Cole, even though he cost Liverpool nothing in transfer fees. Cole may well improve next season and go on to provide a more telling contribution at Liverpool, but this campaign was a complete disaster. A missed penalty, a needless sending off, a series of mediocre performances and several months warming the bench pretty much summarises nine months of football. I don’t think he’s really been missed at Stamford Bridge.

CM: Christian Poulsen

We’re not sure any player best sums up the ill fated reign of Roy Hodgson at Liverpool than Christian Poulsen. About as un-dynamic as a midfielder can get, he managed to make patrolling the halfway line and doing nothing particularly of note pretty hard work. We certainly have more respect for the average holding midfield player now since watching Poulsen make a dogs dinner of it. The fact that he’s a player who’s made a career on the back of being a nasty piece of work doesn’t exactly endear him either.

CM: Stephen Ireland

We’re constantly told Ireland has amazing talent and is a great player in the making, and there’s no doubt he has ability, but basically it doesn’t seem to ever happen. Ireland has quietly drifted away from first team football, but let’s not forget he cost £8 million when he went to Aston Villa in the summer. The loan spell at Newcastle didn’t seem to help either (although he was injured for part of that in his defence). It appears that Ireland has to be the main man, with a constant arm around him, and given his current track record that’s not going to happen at a top 10 club.

LM: Morten Gamst Pedersen

The ultimate Match of the Day player. Every now and then (increasing infrequently) lashes one into the top corner from 30 yards. Cue orgasm all round at what a player he is...conveniently forgetting the 73 shanked shots out for a throw, the 38 free kicks blasted into the shins of the defensive wall or the countless crosses that end up in the stands.

ST: Jermain Defoe

We know, we know, there are some far worse strikers in the Premier League, but then none who have quite such a level of overblown and over inflated sense of self worth. We never thought Defoe was top, top quality but acknowledge his abilities, however for a striker that we are always told is guaranteed goals, well, he didn’t score very many. Again, if he had less of an unbearable ego on him (not to mention drooling fan pack in some of the papers) you might give him more of a free pass but then there was his ridiculous ‘100 goals’ vest that he wore under his shirt for pretty much half the season. The fact also remains that their selection of expensively assembled but badly misfiring big name strikers is the key reason Tottenham won’t be back in the Champions League next season.

ST: Fernando Torres

The obvious candidate, but Torres simply cannot be omitted from this side. One goal, £50 million. It doesn’t really add up. Torres had been injured and joining a new side midway through the campaign is never easy. But to repeat again – one goal, £50 million. And not a lot else. For all his nice movement, Torres didn’t really got involved in any build-up play so when not scoring, he’s wasn’t really doing anything else. The start of next season will be vital – if Torres has a good pre-season, and gets a couple of early goals, he could go on to score a bucket load and be a Chelsea legend. If he starts badly and continues not to find the net… Well, he could make Andriy Shevchenko look like a bargain.

Manager: Avram Grant

As everyone has stated (many, many times) Grant seems like a decent and dignified man, and dealing with West Ham’s two sleazy porn merchants and their large, Sugar-loving, overly made-up page three assistant must have been tiresome work at the best of times. Grant was treated with absolutely no respect and how he kept calm throughout a horrible season we have no idea. Yet the fact remains that Grant didn’t do a very good job, and that’s putting it lightly. West Ham proved that the “too many good players to go down” line really is laughable, and actually while we’re here – who exactly thinks Carlton Cole, Matthew Upson and Luis Boa Borte are actually all that great?

But Grant has now managed to relegate teams for two seasons running and 20th place with a reasonable looking West Ham side was a pretty poor effort.

Substitutes: Heurelho Gomes, Wayne Bridge, Gael Clichy, Jerome Boateng, Carlton Cole.