The second edition of CollinsBeans end of season reviews brings into the spotlight the club with over 100 years of top flight football. Honorary Southerner, President of the Tony Hibbert fan club but most importantly dyed in the wool Everton fan Luke Edward Kelly takes you through a season of frustration on the blue half of Merseyside
1. If your clubs season could be summed up perfectly by likening it to a celebrity who would that be?
Nicholas Cage, in that the only thing consistent about us is our wearying inconsistency. Careering through the first-half of the season like a drunk crow before battering into June on an unbeaten streak of 19 sound familiar? The only solution is clearly to fight fire with fire: draft in Cage for a 4 hour biopic of Earl Barrett that ends with him trapped within a burning 300 foot effigy of himself gibbering on about Brentford. Problem solved.
2. Like everyone who’s anyone (and Darron Gibson) Collins Beans is on Twitter. Give an appraisal of your season in 140 characters or less
No.
3. How’s your [delete as appropriate]; Manager/Head Coach/Caretaker/Director of Football/Sporting Director/Head of Player Recruitment/Technical Adviser/Strategic Soccer Coaching Co-ordinator/Executive Director (Football) performed this season? Happy for them to continue?
The thing with Moyes is he’s impossible to judge against any fixed standard. The objective view has to be that he’s doing a fantastic job on few resources, and that the stability he offers us is our best asset. It’s a fine line between ‘stability‘ and ‘stagnation‘ however, and seeing the same negative tactics repeated game in, game out - when we were clearly failing to break down teams happy to settle for a point against us - points to a worrying lack of ideas for how to kick-on. Whether it’s even possible to do so with no money is a fair point, but having proved he can turn a £500k player into a £5 million pound one, there are serious doubts as to whether Moyes can turn £5 million into £15 million in the same way — which is what we need to move upwards.
4. Who are your teams star men this time out?
Leighton Baines has been the best left-back in the country for a while now, and coped well with not having Pienaar in front of him anymore after Christmas. Distin looks a completely different player to a year ago, and for the 5 minutes when he was simultaneously both fit and interested Louis Saha looked world class.
I could mention Fellaini, Osman, Neville and Seamus Coleman too... where did it all go wrong again?
5. And who would you pay to have an all expenses one way loan trip to MK Dons?
If Man City want to pay £20 million for Jack Rodwell then I’d bite their hand off, dribbling their filthy money all down my fetid chin until it collects in a pool of liquid unjustification around the words “not really progressed” which I’ve had tattooed on my navel.
And Mikel Arteta has truly mastered the art of the 5 yard sideways pass to nowhere. Flashes of his old self but a sad sight to see at times.
6. Indulging in some Fantasy Football, who are the name(s) that would take your team to that magical ‘next level’ next season?
Balotelli, purely as I’ve for some reason convinced myself that him and Tony Hibbert would end up becoming massive bezzy mates and have loads of madcap adventures together.
More realistically, somebody like Sturridge (is that even realistic for us?) is what we need up front. We’re crying out for a winger as well, and based entirely on hype and other people’s opinions I’d love to see us go for Adam Johnson (as in ‘try to sign’ like, not ‘with a bottle outside Wetherspoons’).
7. Which opposition players caught your eye when you played them this season...and who had a bit of an Ali Dia?
Even though the wheels seem to be coming off the Bale Bandwagon a little, any player who can be completely shut out of a game not once, but twice by Phil Neville still has a bit of a work to do.
David Silva meanwhile really was rather good. One touch in particular had more class in it than the miners strike.
8. Finally, in 12 months time your club will be...
The main argument for saving time by finalising the league table in July.
It's hard to know what to make of Everton's season...and you seem pretty torn yourself there mate! It's sort of summed up by your views on Moyes - part of you thinks what do you expect on limited resources but then the other half of you thnks "but why do we only ever play for half a season?"
ReplyDeleteThe way forward? Everton seem to be a club in the ultimate conundrum - what are the aspirations and how can you move forward when everyone else is splashing cash that you don't have?